MALAY WEDDING
Not so long ago, it was quite common in Malaysia for parents to look for suitable partners for their children, a practice which the Western world refers to as "arranged marriages". Contrary to popular belief, however, the children have the choice to either accept or turn down their parents' suggested candidates. And the "arranging" process goes on until such time that a suitable match is found.
I personally have gone through this. It was arranged by my granmama but it wasn't like she forced me of such. She and the guy's family will be talking and exchanging pictures and she will forward my phone number to the guy's family who will hand it over to the guy. If he likes it, he will try to touch base with me. Well it was fine and quite an experience for me. This tradition is still being practised among the Malaysian Indians but among the Malays, this practice is slowly dying down as more and more young people have started finding their matches on their own.
In the past, once a suitable match was identified, it was customary for the guy's family to send a group of representatives (rombongan meminang) to formally ask the girl's hand in marriage. Even though both families already know the answer, the girl's family would wait for a day or two - sometimes even up to a week, before sending their own rombongan to formally accept the offer.
These days, in the same way that arranged marriages are no longer the norm, a lot of the old Malay custom is no longer being followed or have been modified somewhere along the way. For instance, it is still customary for the guy's family to go to the girl's house to ask for her hand in marriage but the meeting can be rather informal - just like any other discussion over lunch or tea or dinner - usually without the guy in attendance and with the girl often hiding in her room.
In my case, Mr. S's foster parents had to step in since his parents are in Mauritius. When they came to my house for tea, I could have sworn my mom made me go to the kitchen every 10 seconds. I couldn't even hear them discussing not even a whisper. All I knew, after their discussion ended, I was call to the dining table to have tea with them and of course I had to serve. Yes! That's how it is done!
But sometimes, some of the old practices are still being followed and that is when the process gets a bit more interesting. There may be, like in the olden days, some clever exchange of pantun, a Malay poetic form that has been recorded from as far back as the 15th century. A representative from the guy's family will say something like this roughly, below:
Cantik memanjat pohon ara,
It's nice to climb a fig tree,
Nampaknya cantik berseri laman,
Making it possible to see the beautiful garden,
Besar hajat kami tidak terkira,
We come today with a hearty wish,
Hendak memetik bunga ditaman.
Longing to pick the flower in the garden.
Bak kata orang,
As people would say,
Tuan menyimpan sekuntum bunga,
You, sir, are keeping a flower,
Bak intan di dalam peti,
Like a jewel in a treasure chest,
Kami menyimpan seekor kumbang,
We, on the other hand, keeping a beetle,
Sudah terpikat ke bunga tuan,
That has fallen for your flower,
Hendak menyunting bunga tuan,
We'd like to take your flower,
Hendak menyambung tali darah,
We'd like to join together our blood lines,
Hendak mengikat tali keluarga.
To join together our two families.
Minta diterima hajat kami...
And we hope that our wish will be fulfilled...
The girl's family will have to answer in similar manner,all very poetic and definitely amusing. It is a shame that this art is slowly dying, with less and less people capable of doing it.
With the main formalities over, the two families then start talking about a suitable date for the wedding. This process is quite straighforward - they just pick out which weekend or school holiday will work. You see, most weddings are scheduled during school holidays and/or weekends to make it easier for relatives and friends to attend, especially for those who are from out of town.
The akad nikah (solemnisation ceremony) and bride's reception will take place first, to be followed by the groom's reception usually a week after. Some people combine the two receptions together but generally, people still make separate receptions. With separate receptions often come separate wedding invitation cards but, again, some would mention both receptions in one invitation and it is up to the recipient which reception to attend.
Once the dates are set, the two families then discuss on the issue of the hantaran.Hantaran comes from the root word HANTAR which means 'to send'. It refers to both the dowry (mahar/mahr in Arabic) and the gifts will be exchanged between the bride and groom.
The dowry is something that a groom is obliged to give to his wife on their wedding day, usually, but not always, in monetary form. Based on this technical definition, this would mean the obligatory mas kahwin in Malaysia, which an amount that every groom must give to his bride without which the wedding would not be valid. The amount varies from state to state.
In addition to this obligatory mas kahwin in Malaysia, there is the cultural practice of giving wang hantaran. This is a certain amount of money - a gift from the groom to the bride - which is usually fixed by the bride's family. The amount would depend on many factors - the bride's educational background or occupation, the social standing of both families (a famous actress, for instance, would get a huge sum), some sentimental reasons between the bride and groom, just to name a few.
Sometimes the bride's family does not set the amount and just leave it to the groom's family. In certain cases, the bride's family might even specify the addition of a gold bracelet and/or necklace. It all depends on one's luck, I suppose.
As I am from Kelantan, our concept of dowry is different. There is no duit hantaran (normally will be taken by the bride's family to cover the cost of reception etc.) but everything is as mas kahwin/mahar. The good part is that I will get the full amount as it is after all, a gift from Mr.S to me.
In any case, the Muslim concept of dowry is different from the old European concept of dowry which is given by a father to a daughter on her marriage but thereafter becomes the husband's property. Neither it is like the African "bride-price" which is paid by the bridegroom to the father as a form of payment or compensation. The Muslim dowry is a gift from the groom to the bride, for the bride to keep or spend as she wishes. Some Malay brides keep it in the bank as a fixed deposit. Others use it to buy gold jewelleries, to keep as an investment because gold in Malaysia is of very high quality (916 or 22 carats) and easily appreciates in value through the years. Some people use part or all the money for buying a bed for the bride's bedroom and/or to go towards the wedding expenses.
Hantaran mas kahwin/mahar is always the sticky part of the whole process. Why? Well, I am not an expert on this subject hence this subject may best to be discussed with the elders. On the other hand, the bride's family has to think about maintaining the family's pride and keeping the relatives from making comments like:
"Kenapa MYRxxxxx aje? Pengantin perempuan kan doktor?!"
"Why only MYRxxxxx? Isn't the bride a doctor?!"
But then again, the family wouldn't want to end up looking too greedy, as if they're selling off their daughter! And if you are wondering what is the current rate for wang hantaran, I heard MYR10,000 is quite common now, a HUGE jump from the respectable MYR5,000 in the early 90's.
The second portion of the hantaran- the exchange of gifts - is much, much easier to deal with. The families just have to agree on how many dulang (trays) the groom's family will give. It is always an odd number and the bride's family will reciprocate with two more trays, e.g. if the groom's family decides on 7 trays, the bride's family must give back 9 trays.
Now, let the fun begins. First of all, the hantaran will be presented in trays. You can rent the trays from bridal shops or borrow your grandmothers bronze trays (they are really heavy!) or make use of your mom's Queen Anne silverware (which is what I am going to do!)
Secondly, the hantaran will be decorated with ribbons and flowers, following a colour theme of the respective families' choice. The design can be quite elaborate - a towel can be fashioned into a 'basket of oranges', a prayer robe can be arrange into a 'fan', a basket of Ferrero Rocher chocolates can take the form of a bunch of grapes.
The gifts in the hantaran are not fixed, although there are certain must-have items, such as daun sireh (betel leaves) and bunga rampai, a sweet smelling mixture of daun pandan (screwpine leaves) that have been shredded thinly, mixed with rose water and sprinkled with jasmine flowers etc. Nowadays, the easiest way is, we substitute bunga rampai with potpourri.
The betel leaves I have mentioned above is not your ordinary bouquet! Note the heart-shaped betel leaves usually designed and interspersed among fresh flowers.
Another one more thing is, it is also customary for the groom to give his bride a ring, although a bride is not obliged to reciprocate. (CAUTION: Ladies, take note! Just because a Malay man does not wear a ring, it does not mean that he is single!!)
Unlike in the West, where the wedding ring is a plain gold band, for the Malays, the wedding ring has a stone or some stones, even if they're just zircons. {Nah! I prefer diamonds please. After all, they are girl's best friend. Hehe.}
Part of the hantaran would also be something sweet, such as chocolates or sweets and something that the relatives can share after the wedding reception - a cake, a basket of fruits or some cookies. {Mr.S and I will be exchanging Thornton's and Patchi/macarons. Yummy!}
Typically, the bride and groom will give each other one set of clothes or cloth (to be made into clothes) and/or shoes and handbag. To ensure the suitability in size, colour and design, it is normal for the bride to buy her clothes and the groom to buy his clothes and they will exchange with each other before the wedding, so that the presents can be arranged on the trays.
Common things to see also, for the bride and groom to exchange with each other a set of toiletries, i.e. perfume, skin care, lotions or cosmetics. In the end it is really up to the bride and groom what they decide to give to each other.
MERISIK (INQUIRY)
Merisik or inquiry is useful and comes in handy if it is in accordance to its objectives, namely to choose or get to know the background of prospective daughter-in-law in a Malay family. (Yes, only the male side will do this). This is to ensure that the parents or sons do not end up with the wrong girl as wife.
When the parents set their minds that it is time for their son to marry and be married, they will find as well as observe some of the young girls they know and choose one of them deemed appropriate and fit to be their in-law. They will investigate (I know it sounds scary) the background of these maidens through their relatives and friends. It is not only the family background that interests them, but also personality, temperament, disposition and purity of these maidens. (Okay purity is a BIG of a deal emphasized by the Malay community) --Last time I checked. The term "sudah ditebuk tupai" or promiscuous girls not only will humiliate the bachelor's family, furthermore the bachelor is considered a coward if they marry a maiden who is not a virgin anymore. If the maiden concealed this from his knowledge, the man has the right to divorce his wife if he realised or find himself being cheated after their first night together. Often this happens because of the custom in Malay community where value of dowry being sets differently for a maiden and a widow. Value of a widow usually set to half that of a maiden. --(This also I doubt still being practiced.)
In addition to making the right choice, it is necessary to get the maiden's parents involvement too. This is because the Malay clings to saying "Kalau hendak meminang anak, 'pinang' ibu bapanya dahulu" (If you want the girl, you have to inquire her parents first!). Criteria usually sought after are proficiency in reading verses in Al-Quran and it will be great if the maiden has the knowledge of Islam. Similarly, they will be evaluated in terms of good appearances, education and a few other basic skills e.g. cooking, sewing, embroidery etc.
Customarily, once a maiden is chosen, the bachelor will send an entourage (a group of family members consisting of older women and men) to see the maiden's parents. Intention is to get to know the maiden face-to-face and to find out if the maiden is still single. There are some entourage/groups that just came to see the maiden and meet with her family without final say as to bind the two in marriage, however there are others who came with a fixed date on engagement confirming the wedding. It is all depending on the bachelor's family.
In this merisik, some entourage will drop by unannounced but there are those who will addressed their visit first. In the older days (I would say based on superstitions), when the entourage dropped by out of sudden and coincidentally at that time, the maiden is having a bath or washing clothes, it brings good omen, indicating the match-make is 'cooling'. Supposedly it means that both to be bound as husband and wife will live comfortable and their marriage will always be peaceful.
However, if the opposite happens i.e. the maiden is cooking when entourage comes knocking at their door, ostensibly brings bad sign. The elders believed during the journey to see the maiden if the entourage stumbled upon some woods in the middle of the road, it is said to bring bad luck to the bride.
But then again, as I mentioned these are just some beliefs in those older days. In a modern Malay community nowadays, these beliefs are no longer being emphasized. In fact, it is not preposterous to say that majority of them are not accustomed to this.
Once this cycle is completed, the entourage will leave it to the nucleus family members from both sides to decide on the matter. They will then discuss and set a suitable date to hold an engagement.
